Love, notLust

I hope not for any woman to find her in a similar state or even anywhere close, but perhaps this article would intrigue a few thoughts.

Every one of my friends had warned me, a few had even given up on me but being my friends, they acted as though they don’t know that I was still seeing K, who is married with two wonderful children.

It wasn’t that I don’t know how wrong such a relationship is and what trouble it could bring upon me and or my family. My mum would die of shame if not of shock when she finds out that I had all along been a kept-girl belonging to K, who is known to everyone at home as a gentleman. On K’s side, except for his wife,his entire family including his father and sister knew I was his kept woman.

Over social media sharing, I saw many incidents of kept women being beaten up and read about how some even got killed for messing up people’s families. I know all of that, but why did I still persist?

I once told a caring friend how K came into my life, and how in love I am with him and all that.Before K, my first relationship, if we can even call it that, wasn’t love at all.  It was more a school-girl thingy although it lasted more than five years. Of course, at the time I was convinced it was love, as we all tend to think in similar situations, but in reality, it was nothing but infatuation tangled with innocent lust. I was the most unstable and silly human being, who was ready to give the guy anything to keep him by my side. When he left me, I was a devastated wretch and that was when K danced smoothly into my life.  K appeared in the nick of time to pacify the hurt of rejection and perhaps, being an experienced man, to comfort and feed that lust of mine I didn’t realise was playing up on my being so immensely.

Looking back now, I feel ashamed at whom I was, and that I was even capable of such craziness.With those days officially declared to be in my past, I can see more clearly than ever what I was experiencing. I was not in love with the earlier boy and neither was I in love with K. If there was indeed any emotion, it was pure lust.

Here’s what I learnt from it all and if you recognize yourself in any of the following, I suggest you stop immediately and run.

1. There’s more fire
   and less stability

Love,true love, is about commitment and communication. These two important components lead to stability within a relationship. Of course, firecan be part of the arrangement, but when there’s lots of drama, chaos and more emotional blows than butterflies, you’re looking at a lustful situation.

2. You focus more on the outside than inside

I could stare at k for hours. I was so captivated with his being. To me, he was everything I ardour and when he doesn’t look me in the eyes when we are together, I am upset. I was obsessed with him, and relished in the fact that I got to be seen in public with him and got to be patted and touched at the end of the episode.

3. You prefer the fantasy

From the beginning, I knew C and I didn’t have a future. We were far too similar to have been able to conduct a grown-up relationship, and he was never going to want me the way I wanted him. With him, I acted younger than I was for far longer than I should have — the drinking, acting out, immaturity and irresponsibility were quadrupled when we were together. I didn’t want a “grown-up” life with him; I loved the days on end of debauchery that allowed me to escape from reality.

4. Why aren’t we having sex right now?

Although I loved talking to C, because we did have so much in common, whenever we were together just hanging around or watching a movie, I’d always catch myself wondering, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?” I’m serious. I couldn’t give a damn about the ending to whatever movie was on, if it meant we were having sex instead.

5. You’re not friends

C and I were not friends. For a long time we called each other “best friend,” but the truth was I was in lust, and he was just waiting for something else, something, to use his words, better. Despite knowing that, the lust kept me coming back for more.

6. Intimacy doesn’t exist

Although cuddling can be really satisfying and comforting when you’re in love, when you’re in lust a body against you just feels like dead weight. You’re also likely to ask yourself again, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?”

7. You experience
   intense neediness

If I didn’t get the attention I needed from C on a daily basis, I felt like my world was falling apart. Was he texting with someone else instead? Was he not home, as he said, but out with someone else? Having sex with someone else? Why isn’t he answering my calls? It was exhausting, to say the least.

8. The feeling is conditional

Anyone who’s been in love can attest to the fact that love is unconditional. Lust, however, is not. Lust is steeped in gratification without concern to anything else. I could easily sleep with someone other than C and not feel a twinge of regret, but if I were to do the same to the man I love, I’d never forgive myself. Lust has blurred boundaries as to what’s right; love kicks those blurred lines into place.